Blog

When I was a young child, I would play by myself down the basement where I had my “house” set up with my dolls and their cribs.  I would pray to the Lord with all my tender heart that if He would just let one of my dolls be alive for even an hour, I would dedicate my whole life to Him.  I really believed that was possible, but of course it never happened.  You see, all I ever wanted to be from that time forward was a mom.  That was the single most important thing in my life.

After I was married, my husband and I were having a difficult time having a child.  Twice I was pregnant only to have the pregnancy end in a miscarriage.  So, we decided to become foster parents.  I will never forget the joy and excitement I felt when we got the call that our first foster child was coming.  He was a beautiful little blond-haired boy who was 18 months old named Scottie.  My husband had put together a crib we borrowed from one of our friends in our extra bedroom.  Scottie came with almost nothing except the clothes on his back and a pack of diapers.  But he was just an angel, perfect in every way.  And he was a happy child in spite of being torn away from his mother.  So, we went shopping for toys, books and clothes.  He didn’t need much being so little.

About a month later our phone rang, and it was Social Services asking if we would consider taking his brother, Bobby, who was three years old.  Without any hesitation we said, “Of course” and the bubble of joy in my heart just grew bigger.  Bobby was a darker haired boy, but just as beautiful.  The Social Worker said his mom and her boyfriend had had a fight and one of them threw an iron through the window.  Then, they took off on his motorcycle leaving Bobby alone.  One of the neighbors heard him crying and called Social Services who then picked him up.  In spite of the trauma Bobby had been through, he adjusted well and was soon a happy little boy.  We repeated the shopping for clothes, books and toys.

They had lived with us about a year when Social Services asked if we would ever consider adoption and again, we said, “Of course”.  We were so excited.  These two happy little boys were going to be ours!  Our family of 2 would now be a family of 4.  Then, at the last minute, we got a call.  Their mother’s court-appointed attorney had talked her out of giving up her rights to the boys.

The day the Social Worker came to pick them up was one of the worst nightmares of my life.  We had always known they could return home at some point, but at this time it just seemed cruel.  I had bought them each a new toy and a sack of treats to make it easier for them to go with the Social Worker.  But they cried and held on tight to my legs.  She had to peel them off sobbing the whole time.  I was trying rather unsuccessfully to hold back my tears thinking it would help them.  We sent the clothes, books and toys with them.

I was heartbroken.  My sorrow was overwhelming.  I prayed and asked God to take care of them.  I felt like I was sleep walking through the days.  I couldn’t look in the nursery when I walked down the hall.  It just hurt too bad.  And all the noises I had gotten used to filling up the house, from giggling to crying, were gone.  I asked God why, but I couldn’t sense an answer.  I knew God’s plans are not always ours to know and I tried to accept that, but it was very, very difficult.

But, joy of all joys, we found out I was pregnant again and this time I carried the baby to term!  God was giving us His greatest miracle, a child, a new person on this earth who was really ours!  And she was followed by another miracle, another girl.  And they were perfect in every way.  Now we really were a family of four for many years until the girls were in their tweens.

Once again in my life I would feel that exquisite pain of losing a child.  My husband and I went through a difficult divorce which was hard to keep from the kids as we were both fighting for custody of the girls.  A Guardian Ad Litem was appointed, and I got custody of the girls.  I was so relieved.  My heart finally quieted, and my grateful prayers lifted their way to the Lord.  Life would be sort of normal, but without a full-time dad for the girls.  I could feel their confusion and sorrow about the whole thing.  I knew children need both their father and their mother.  I had the girls in counseling to try to ease their pain.

Sometime later I received a notice that my husband was suing for custody of my oldest daughter.  I had never felt he was capable of parenting alone, but off I went to court.  During the proceeding, my daughter testified that she wanted to live with her dad because her mother had had some emotional problems that were hard for her.  The judge granted her request.  My heart almost stopped.  I couldn’t breathe.  I was in so much pain I sincerely thought it would kill me.  I knew she was of age as far as the state was concerned to choose which parent she lived with unless there were mitigating circumstances.  I think I really did want my life to end except for the fact I had another little girl at home who needed me.  I had dealt with some depression, especially during the divorce proceedings, but I went to the doctor and got help.  I had a history in my lifetime of dealing with depression, so I knew what to do to take care of myself.  But my daughter would be moving to her father’s house and my family of four would now be back to two again. 

I didn’t die, of course, and I really had to fight my depression now.  I asked the Lord for help constantly.  I told him they were His children first and now he was going to have to take care of them.  When all my life, all I wanted to do was to become a mom, this seemed like the harshest reality.  What had I done?  I know depression is an illness, but I was getting treatment.  I thought I was being a good mom but, obviously, I had failed.  Now I worried about the daughter who was living with me and what pain I could be causing her. 

One Sunday afternoon I was in the living room reading the paper and a song came on the radio.  It was “Every rose has its thorns”.  Tears streaming down my face, God spoke to me.  He gently reminded me that the girls needed both a father and a mother and I would be okay.  He also reminded me He was there, and He would help all of us.  A great peace came over me.  I felt wrapped in His love again.  I had been so full of my pain and sorrow I wasn’t letting Him into my heart.  And I needed His love so much at that time.  The song made me look at my ex-husband differently.  I could see we both had our faults, but in the end, it was the girls’ needs that came first.

Shortly after my daughter moved, I got a note from her saying that even though she didn’t live with me anymore, she still wanted and needed to see me.  That meant the world to me!  And I am sure it was all part of God’s plan. Another life raft coming my way.