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There was a time in my life when I considered myself a terrible person, perhaps unforgiveable.  I broke one of our good Lord’s commandments and I have no excuse as I knew what I was doing.  It happened like this.

I was going through my divorce, and I was hurting badly; in fact, I felt like I had a knife through my heart.  I had always planned on being married for life.  But things don’t always work out as you think (and dream) that they will.

Along came a fellow worker named Joe.  He was a kind person just when I was going through all the pain of my ex-husband’s trying to get custody of our children. The day my husband showed up and pinned me against the wall and told me, “I’ll have your children” really scared me.  And trying to come up with money for counselors and lawyers left me worried about buying groceries.  Then, along came this man who was calm and kind and telling me everything would be all right and he would help me …and, well, it’s no wonder I fell in love with him.  Not that there’s any excuse for my behavior.  I know God’s commandments. 

And it’s no wonder I wanted to be intimate with Joe.  He was everything John had been but was not right now.  He was there for me no matter what.  He was kind and generous and sweet.  My mixed-up brain told me if I had just married him first, everything would have worked out and I would have lived happily ever after.  Which is probably the furthest thing from reality and would never have happened.

But I couldn’t have that now.  I was brokenhearted when I realized I had to divorce John.  We had been together nineteen years and suddenly it was like I didn’t know him.  He wasn’t coming home on weekends, and he wouldn’t say where he was.  He never brought home a paycheck.  He wouldn’t go to counseling.  My kids were scared.  They knew something was wrong but didn’t know exactly what it was.  My pain was getting worse and worse.

But the problem with Joe was that he was married.  I couldn’t stand the thought of a child crying for their dad or a wife going through what I was going through and knowing it was my fault.  One of the reasons I fell in love with Joe was because he would express his love for his family unlike so many of the other men I worked with.  They just complained about their home life.  And how would Joe feel if he did something that hurt the family he cherishes?

So, I knew that I must choose to give up this relationship.  Yes, I would go through pain again and it would seem almost impossible to survive.  Joe said we could still be friends, but I didn’t believe that.  There would be constant pain on my side from wanting more but knowing I couldn’t have it.

But I also must ask God for forgiveness and then forgive myself.  God, who knows everything, saw what happened.  He would be joyful that I realized it was wrong and I couldn’t stay in that relationship.  I am not sure where I was with God while the relationship was going on.  I must have spent time trying to convince myself it wasn’t wrong.  But God gave us a commandment for this kind of relationship.  He knew the pain that would go along with the breakup of a marriage.  But He also knows how loneliness can confusingly turn into illicit love, so He is ready to forgive us if we ask.  I needed His help to end this relationship.  He knows we have weaknesses, and He is ready to forgive us because He loves us always.  And He never wants to lose our love just as I never want to lose His love.

Then I knew I could do it.  God would be with me to help me every step of the way.  He would understand.  I know I felt like a terrible person right then, but I’m just a human who gave into a weakness.  I didn’t plan to be bad.  It was just someone who was there who I believed loved me when I was so alone.  And it was at a time when I needed love and was vulnerable.  But God loves me more.  His love was what I should have been looking for.  I was looking for love in the wrong place.  We have a God who is compassionate and will always love us.  So, we must thank God for always loving us and making it so we can face tomorrow and start over.